can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
