Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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