I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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