How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
