Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize