we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
