Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
