u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
