hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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