4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
