im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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