you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
