i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
