The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I deserve this hangover.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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