I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
its liver damage thursday
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