why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
