Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
