Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
