Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
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I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
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YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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