saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
