I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
