I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
