I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
