Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
