based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
