do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize