My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
