Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
