So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
