whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
