I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
