Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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