so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
