Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
