got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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