the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
