I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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