anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
