there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
