i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
