pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
