I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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