he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The power of my boobs compel you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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