His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
