Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
