can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
