How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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