I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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