Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
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You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
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I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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