hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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