Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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