Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
