I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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