Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
