also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
