captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
