did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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