What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it glows. i had to have it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
