am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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