My cat gives me a boner
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
