So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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