someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
