Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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